一位真正引领毒舌风潮的段子手


1881年,王尔德坐船横跨大洋来到美利坚,进关的时候傲然地对海关官员翻了个白眼说:“我没有什么可以申报的,除了我的才华。”(I have nothing to declare except my genius.)

当然这只是一段野史,王尔德到底是不是说过这句话如今已很难考证。但即便是伪造,这句话也完全符合王尔德的身份、性格和气质,因为王尔德就是这么一个恃才傲物又舌灿如莲花的毒舌天才。

有人说毒舌分两种,有些人毒舌是因为自己不爽,还有些人毒舌是为了让自己爽。张爱玲是第一种人,而王尔德就是第二种人。

在他短短46年的传奇人生里,王尔德留下了无数惊世骇俗又逼格甚高的妙句,其中不少是他作品中人物的话。

如果他活在今天,就算他没有写过那些才华横溢的童话、小说和剧本,光靠每天发发微博,也一定能成为千万粉丝的大V。以他的毒舌和反鸡汤的功力,干掉十个陆琪级的鸡汤导师,应该不成问题。

他嘲讽一切。他嘲讽他的敌人,“要原谅你的敌人,没有什么事比这更让他们抓狂的了。”(Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.)

他也嘲讽他的朋友。“我不想去天堂,我的朋友都不在那里。”(I don’t want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.)

他嘲讽平庸的人,几乎不给人留任何活路。他说,“努力不过是无事可做的人的避难所。”(Hard work is simply the refuge of people who have nothing to do.)

他说,“只有无聊的人才会把早餐吃出花样来。”(Only dull people are brilliant at breakfast).

他说,”只有浅薄的人才了解自己。”(Only the shallow know themselves.)

他还说,“糟糕的画家总是欣赏彼此的作品。”(Bad artists always admire each other’s work.)

但是他同样不喜欢优秀的人。“一个优秀的人没有敌人,但他的朋友也没有一个喜欢他。”(An excellent man; he has no enemies; and none of his friends like him.)

他嘲讽悲观主义者。“借钱就要向悲观主义者借,因为他们不会期待你还钱。”(Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.)

他嘲讽好为人师的人。“对于建议,你所能做的,就是把它转送给别人,建议从来就不是给自己准备的。”(The only thing to do with good advice is to pass it on. It is never of any use to oneself.)

他嘲讽时尚,这句话即使放在今天,也是又尖锐又时髦:“时尚总是丑得难以容忍,所以每隔六个月我们都只好改一次。”(Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six months.)

如今段子手们还在玩的梗,他100多年前就用过了。“我年轻时以为金钱是世界上最重要的东西,等到老了才知道,原来真的是这样。”(When I was young, I used to think that money was the most important thing in life, now that I am old, I know it is.)

他嘲讽美国人。“美国是唯一一个直接从野蛮进入颓废、中间没有经过文明阶段的社会。”(America is the only country that went from barbarism to decadence without civilization in between.)

他也嘲讽他的同胞。“我们爱尔兰人太诗意以至不能做诗人,我们的国家里充满才华横溢的失败者,可我们是自希腊人以来最会说空话的民族。”(We Irish are too poetical to be poets; we are a nation of brilliant failures, but we are the greatest talkers since the Greeks.)那时爱尔兰还属于英国。

他看不起和他同时代的人,他说:“死亡和庸俗是十九世纪仅有的无法用巧辩逃避的东西。”(Death and vulgarity are the only two facts in the nineteenth century that one cannot explain away.) 他问:“为什么我会和这样一些人生活在同一个时代?” (Why was I born with such contemporaries?)

他也看不起庸俗的大众。“公众惊人地宽容。他们可以原谅一切,除了天才。”(The public is wonderfully tolerant. It forgives everything except genius.)

他说,“每次人们赞同我的时候,我都觉得自己一定错了。”(Whenever people agree with me I always feel I must be wrong.)

他不相信爱情。他说,“人生就是一件蠢事追着另一件蠢事而来,而爱情则是两个蠢东西追来追去。”(Life is one fool thing after another whereas love is two fool things after each other.)

他也不相信婚姻。

1、离婚的主要原因是什么?结婚。(What is the chief cause of divorce? Marriage.)

2、 结婚是想象战胜了理智,再婚是希望战胜了经验。(Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.)

3、已婚男人的快乐来自那些他没有娶的人。(The happiness of a married man depends on the people he has not married.)

他对女人有非常独特的见解。

1、男人的脸是自传,女人的脸是小说 (这句话应该是讽刺女人化妆吧)。(A man’s face is his autobiography. A woman’s face is her work of fiction.)

2、不要给女人忠告;你不能给女人任何她晚上不能穿的东西。(Don’t give a woman advice; one should never give a woman anything she can’t wear in the evening.)

3、女人是用来被爱的,不是用来理解的。(Women are meant to be loved, not to be understood.)

4、如果一个女人不能把自己的错误变得迷人,那她就只是一个雌性动物。(If a woman can’t make her mistakes charming, she is only a female.”)

5、一个人决不应该相信说出自己真实年龄的女人。如果她把这都说出来了,那她什么都会说。(One should never trust a woman who tells her real age. If she tells that, she’ll tell anything.)

6、三十五岁是一个非常有吸引力的年龄;伦敦社交圈内满是这样好多年一直保持三十五岁的女人,她们可以自由地挑来选去。(Thirty five is a very attractive age; London society is full of women who have of their own free choice remained thirty-five for years.)

他看透了人性。

1、摆脱诱惑的唯一方法就是服从它。除了诱惑,我可以抵抗任何东西。(The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it. I can resist anything but temptation.)

2、敌人造成的困难很容易忍受,朋友取得的成功却让人很难忍受。(It is very easy to endure the difficulties of one’s enemies. It is the successes of one’s friends that are hard to bear.)

3、世界上只有一件事比被人议论更糟糕,那就是没人议论你。(The only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about.)

4、人生的悲剧只有两种:一种是没有得到自己想要的东西,另一种是得到自己想要的东西。(There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.)

5、一个人总是可以善待他毫不在乎的人。(One can always be kind to people one cares nothing about.)

6、任何人都能对朋友的不幸感到同情,但要消受一个春风得意的朋友,则需要非常优良的天性。(Anybody can sympathise with the sufferings of a friend, but it requires a very fine nature to sympathise with a friend’s success.)

7、我喜欢看戏。与人生相比,戏剧更加真实。(I love acting. It is so much more real than life.)

有时候,他会突然收起毒舌,说一些正能量甚至是略带鸡汤味的话。

1、我想所有迷人的人都是被宠爱着的,这是他们魅力来源的秘密。(All charming people, I fancy, are spoiled. It is the secret of their attraction.)

2、每个圣人都有过去,每个罪人都有未来。(Every saint has a past and every sinner has a future.)

3、一个思想若称不上危险,那么它就不值得被称作思想。(An idea that is not dangerous is unworthy of being called an idea at all.)

4、我们都生活在阴沟里,但仍有人仰望星空。(We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.)

最后,如果你看了这些妙语连珠,觉得自己可以背下来以备不时之需,老王同志早就备好了另外一句话送给你:

Quotation is a serviceable substitute for wit (引用,是智慧耐用的替代品)。

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